Humor Deux

Anything and everything until something is done to categorize all things.

Humor Deux

Postby MacK » Thu Aug 09, 2007 7:38 pm

Physicians:
a. The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000.
b. Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are 120,000.
c. Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171.
(Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept. of Health &Human Services)

Now think about this . . .

Guns:
a. The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80,000,000.
b. The number of accidental gun deaths per year (all age groups) is 1,500.
c. The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is 0.000188.

Statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun
owners.

Remember, “Guns don’t kill people; doctors do.”

FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE
DOCTOR.

Please alert your friends to this alarming threat. We must ban doctors before
this gets completely out of hand!

Note: Out of concern for the public at large, I have withheld the statistics on
lawyers f or fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical
attention.
Here's to you, as good as you are, And here's to me, as bad as I am, But as good as you are and as bad as I am, I'm as good as you are, bad as I am.
Image
User avatar
MacK
Site Admin
Site Admin
 
Posts: 1466
Joined: Mon Jun 25, 2007 9:25 am
Location: Atlanta, GA
Human Verification: 8

Re: Humor Deux

Postby pesetas » Mon Aug 13, 2007 7:39 pm

I believe I've soiled myself...
"The clever combatant imposes his will on the enemy, but does not allow the enemy's will to be imposed on him"
- Sun Tzu

...1500+ and still spamming...
pesetas
Master
Master
 
Posts: 1755
Joined: Fri Aug 03, 2007 3:04 pm
Location: Charleston, SC

Re: Humor Deux

Postby Your Hero Jed » Fri Aug 17, 2007 12:01 am

Well i heard the first smart blonde joke the other day. Went something like this.

A blonde gets on an international flight and is stuck sitting next to a lawyer. He looks over and smiles at her and asks if she would like to play a game. She replies that she is tired and would rather not, but he insists that she hear him out. He tells her he will ask her a question and if she doesn't know the answer she has to give him $5., but when she asks him a question and he doesn't know the answer he will give her $500. So she opens her eyes and says let's go. He asks her the distance between the earth and moon. She rolls her eyes and hands him $5. Then she asks him, What goes up a hill with 3 legs but comes back down with 4? He thinks a while.. then pulls out his laptop and checks every source he knows of on the interet... then uses the plane phone to call all his freinds, and still can't find the answer. Finally giving up he hands the blonde $500, and she goes back to sleep. After an hour of racking his brain the lawyer wakes her up and asks What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down with 4? and she hands him $5 and goes back to sleep.
Fresh out of batteries, but we're still making noise.Image
User avatar
Your Hero Jed
Big Cheese
Big Cheese
 
Posts: 850
Joined: Fri Aug 03, 2007 3:04 pm
Location: Florida

Re: Humor Deux

Postby MacK » Fri Aug 17, 2007 8:16 am

LOL - Good one, Jed.
Here's to you, as good as you are, And here's to me, as bad as I am, But as good as you are and as bad as I am, I'm as good as you are, bad as I am.
Image
User avatar
MacK
Site Admin
Site Admin
 
Posts: 1466
Joined: Mon Jun 25, 2007 9:25 am
Location: Atlanta, GA
Human Verification: 8

Re: Humor Deux

Postby Majik » Fri Aug 17, 2007 2:23 pm

yes sir, I like that one too Jed!
Majik
Site Admin
Site Admin
 
Posts: 1730
Joined: Fri Aug 03, 2007 3:04 pm

Re: Humor Deux

Postby Majik » Tue Aug 21, 2007 11:03 am

Once upon a time
~~~~~~~~
in a land far away,
~~~~~~~
a beautiful, independent,
self-assured princess
~~~~~~~~
happened upon a frog as she sat
contemplating ecological issues
on the shores of an unpolluted pond
in a verdant meadow near her castle.
~~~~~~~~
The frog hopped into the princess' lap
and said: " Elegant Lady,
I was once a handsome prince,
until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.
~~~~~~~~
One kiss from you, however,
and I will turn back
into the dapper, young prince that I am
~~~~~~~~
and then, my sweet, we can marry
~~~~~~~~
and set up housekeeping in your castle
~~~~~~~~
with my mother,
~~~~~~~~
where you can prepare my meals,
~~~~~~~~
clean my clothes, bear my children,
~~~~~~~~
and forever feel
grateful and happy doing so. "
~~~~~~~~
That night,
~~~~~~~~
as the princess dined sumptuously
~~~~~~~~
on lightly sautéed frog legs
~~~~~~~~
seasoned in a white wine
~~~~~~~
and onion cream sauce,
~~~~~~~~
she chuckled and thought to herself:
~~~~~~~~
I don't fkn think so.
Majik
Site Admin
Site Admin
 
Posts: 1730
Joined: Fri Aug 03, 2007 3:04 pm

Re: Humor Deux

Postby MacK » Tue Aug 21, 2007 4:50 pm

LOL - "...a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess"

Sounds like my wife - I am glad I am not a frog!
Here's to you, as good as you are, And here's to me, as bad as I am, But as good as you are and as bad as I am, I'm as good as you are, bad as I am.
Image
User avatar
MacK
Site Admin
Site Admin
 
Posts: 1466
Joined: Mon Jun 25, 2007 9:25 am
Location: Atlanta, GA
Human Verification: 8

Re: Humor Deux

Postby Your Hero Jed » Wed Aug 22, 2007 1:22 am

That was a good one.

Three Arkansas surgeons were playing golf one day, and talking about who was the best surgeon in Arkansas.
The first swore he was because he had a patient who lost 7 fngers in an accident and he sewed them bac on for the guy. the 6 months later the guy played a private piano concrt for the queen of England.

The second said that was impressive but he was the best because he had a little girl in his O.R. that lost 2 arms and a leg in an accident and replaced them and just last week she won an olympic gold in gymnastics.

The first admited defeat, but the third just laughed. "I am by far the best sugeon in Arkansas" he stated. "I once had a lady who was walking a donkey down train tracks, and was hit head-on by a train. All I had to work with was her blonde hair and the donkey's a$$. She's now running for President."
Fresh out of batteries, but we're still making noise.Image
User avatar
Your Hero Jed
Big Cheese
Big Cheese
 
Posts: 850
Joined: Fri Aug 03, 2007 3:04 pm
Location: Florida

Re: Humor Deux

Postby *FDB*LoKi » Wed Aug 29, 2007 7:51 pm

Eight Words with two Meanings



1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male..... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n .
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment) n.
Female..... A desire to get married and raise a family.!
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest _expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
AND;
He said . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said . . You wear pants don't you?

He said . . .... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said .....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said . . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said . We don't know; it has never happened.

He said . . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
She said ..... . . They already have boyfriends.

He said .. Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

Not sure of the IRONY here, but I thought amusing.
The World is an unexplained sense of malfunction and destruction, but I'm glad to witness it!
Image
User avatar
*FDB*LoKi
Pink Collar
Pink Collar
 
Posts: 199
Joined: Fri Aug 03, 2007 3:04 pm
Location: Parkton, NC

Re: Humor Deux

Postby Your Hero Jed » Thu Aug 30, 2007 4:08 pm

a few good ones i got in an email the other day.


One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So he tied her up and went golfing.


A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"

The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."


Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.



A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.

First, o f course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters:
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

"Can you read this?" the optician asked.

"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."


Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them,

"I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."

"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."


A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
Fresh out of batteries, but we're still making noise.Image
User avatar
Your Hero Jed
Big Cheese
Big Cheese
 
Posts: 850
Joined: Fri Aug 03, 2007 3:04 pm
Location: Florida

Re: Humor Deux

Postby pesetas » Fri Aug 31, 2007 1:39 pm

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the
counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare checks.
I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent.
We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a
chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter.
You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes.
Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her
on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges.
You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The
starting salary is $90,000 a year."

The guy, wide-eyed, says, "You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker says, "Yeah, well . . you started it." :surprisedshk:
"The clever combatant imposes his will on the enemy, but does not allow the enemy's will to be imposed on him"
- Sun Tzu

...1500+ and still spamming...
pesetas
Master
Master
 
Posts: 1755
Joined: Fri Aug 03, 2007 3:04 pm
Location: Charleston, SC

Re: Humor Deux

Postby MacK » Fri Aug 31, 2007 2:13 pm

:ROFL: :icon78: :BanBoy: :icon20: :lol: :icon72:

LOL - those are all great!
Here's to you, as good as you are, And here's to me, as bad as I am, But as good as you are and as bad as I am, I'm as good as you are, bad as I am.
Image
User avatar
MacK
Site Admin
Site Admin
 
Posts: 1466
Joined: Mon Jun 25, 2007 9:25 am
Location: Atlanta, GA
Human Verification: 8

Re: Humor Deux

Postby *FDB*LoKi » Thu Sep 06, 2007 7:48 pm

Mike was going to be married to Karen, so his father sat him down for
a little chat.
He said, "Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our
honeymoon suite I took off my pants, handed them to your mother, and
said, "Here - try these on."
She did and said, "These are too big, I can't wear them."
I replied, "Exactly, I wear the pants in this family and I always
will."
"Ever since that night we never had any problems."
"Hmmm," said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try. On
his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, "Here - try
these on."
She tried them on and said, "These are too big. They don't fit me."
Mike said, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always
will. I don't want you to ever forget that."
Then Karen took off her pants and handed them to Mike.
She said, "Here, you try on mine."
He did and said, "I can't get into your pants."
Karen said, "Exactly. And if you don't change your smart a** attitude,
you never will."
And they lived happily ever.
The World is an unexplained sense of malfunction and destruction, but I'm glad to witness it!
Image
User avatar
*FDB*LoKi
Pink Collar
Pink Collar
 
Posts: 199
Joined: Fri Aug 03, 2007 3:04 pm
Location: Parkton, NC

Re: Humor Deux

Postby MacK » Thu Sep 06, 2007 9:01 pm

LOL!!! Good one, Loki!!!
Here's to you, as good as you are, And here's to me, as bad as I am, But as good as you are and as bad as I am, I'm as good as you are, bad as I am.
Image
User avatar
MacK
Site Admin
Site Admin
 
Posts: 1466
Joined: Mon Jun 25, 2007 9:25 am
Location: Atlanta, GA
Human Verification: 8

Re: Humor Deux

Postby Your Hero Jed » Mon Oct 01, 2007 12:04 pm

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the
bees.

"I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears.
"Promise me you won't tell me."

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny'
speech.
At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.
When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.
If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid,
I'll have nothing left to live for."
Fresh out of batteries, but we're still making noise.Image
User avatar
Your Hero Jed
Big Cheese
Big Cheese
 
Posts: 850
Joined: Fri Aug 03, 2007 3:04 pm
Location: Florida

Re: Humor Deux

Postby MacK » Mon Oct 01, 2007 12:17 pm

Good one! :lol:
Here's to you, as good as you are, And here's to me, as bad as I am, But as good as you are and as bad as I am, I'm as good as you are, bad as I am.
Image
User avatar
MacK
Site Admin
Site Admin
 
Posts: 1466
Joined: Mon Jun 25, 2007 9:25 am
Location: Atlanta, GA
Human Verification: 8

Re: Humor Deux

Postby Majik » Mon Oct 01, 2007 12:34 pm

:ROFL: :ROFL:
Majik
Site Admin
Site Admin
 
Posts: 1730
Joined: Fri Aug 03, 2007 3:04 pm

Re: Humor Deux

Postby Your Hero Jed » Thu Oct 25, 2007 1:33 pm

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, “You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150.” The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, “Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?”

The man replied, “Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance.”
Fresh out of batteries, but we're still making noise.Image
User avatar
Your Hero Jed
Big Cheese
Big Cheese
 
Posts: 850
Joined: Fri Aug 03, 2007 3:04 pm
Location: Florida

Re: Humor Deux

Postby pesetas » Thu Oct 25, 2007 2:08 pm

Outstanding! :ROFL:
"The clever combatant imposes his will on the enemy, but does not allow the enemy's will to be imposed on him"
- Sun Tzu

...1500+ and still spamming...
pesetas
Master
Master
 
Posts: 1755
Joined: Fri Aug 03, 2007 3:04 pm
Location: Charleston, SC

Re: Humor Deux

Postby MacK » Thu Oct 25, 2007 3:19 pm

LOL - Nice one! :ROFL:
Here's to you, as good as you are, And here's to me, as bad as I am, But as good as you are and as bad as I am, I'm as good as you are, bad as I am.
Image
User avatar
MacK
Site Admin
Site Admin
 
Posts: 1466
Joined: Mon Jun 25, 2007 9:25 am
Location: Atlanta, GA
Human Verification: 8

Next

Return to The Spittoon

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest

cron